relationship

Couples Therapy – The Gottman Method

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‘Got’ The Gottman Method?

Being in a romantic relationship of any kind can be an exciting, fruitful, fulfilling and even euphoric adventure that many people experience and can benefit from. Like any relationship, however, it does not come without its challenges and rough patches. Sometimes, even in relationships without obvious struggles, you need a little bit of help! And there is no shame in reaching out for guidance, whether for strain and concern in the relationship or for ways to maintain one’s already healthy one (since there is always something we can improve and work on!).

First off, What is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method is an intervention-based approach grounded on the Sound Relationship House Theory. This metaphorical ‘house’ comprises a healthy relationship’s nine most significant and essential components. Each part relies on the other, and the success of each depends on the previous one (almost like stepping stones across a stream). The main goals of the Gottman Method are to improve communication skills, increase levels of partner intimacy and respect, find a technique to resolve conflict that works for the couple and maintain a caring and tender relationship. There are three main components of the Gottman Method: friendship, conflict management, and the creation of shared goals. The method allows couples to learn how to better their interactions, deepen their emotional connections, and teach healthy habits that result in relationship longevity and quality.

The Sound House Theory:

Imagine a typical house with walls, a foundation, and floors. With specific components, the house will be able to stand. Its structure has walls intertwined with trust and commitment to stabilize said ‘house.’ Healthy components of a relationship make up the floors.

The first floor is building love maps: here, couples get to know each other on a deeper and more emotional level, specifically within their internal and personal thoughts. The next floor is shared fondness and admiration: this is where couples openly express their gratitude and respect for each other. Then, is turning towards, not away: this requires both partners to become aware of each other’s needs and be able to give and take (evenly and within reason). Next is the positive perspective: partners put each other in a positive light on this floor, not regard their imperfections as bad or character flaws.

Following is conflict management: using a 3-step process, couples (1) consider each other’s feelings, (2) learn to discuss the issue at hand openly, and (3) when one or both parties begin to feel overwhelmed, they investigate in techniques that work for them and successfully lower stress levels during these times. Reaching one of the final floors is making each other’s dreams come true: this floor is heavily influenced by supporting and being in each other’s corner to achieve their dreams. Next is creating shared meaning: this is the final floor of the Sound House.

It is very similar to the first floor in terms of delving into and understanding each other’s deep and personal thoughts, but here, it focuses on how sharing their internal thoughts has created shared meaning. Finally, the house’s walls are made up of commitment and trust: without the borders, couples would not be able to explore the other floors of the house. Trust allows for mutual reliability and a sense of teamwork. Commitment provides for stability, stickability and overall improvement of the relationship.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Despite the title, these traits do not cause the end of the world or the implosion of the earth. However, it describes how they can be problematic and bring tension into a relationship, potentially causing an ‘apocalypse.’ The first horseman is criticism: this can include nit-picking the partner’s flaws, calling out disappointments in the relationship or with one another, correcting one partner and making negative comments about one’s friends and family.

While expressing a complaint or concern can sometimes be necessary, avoiding it sounding like an attack (perhaps using ‘I’ statements to mitigate misunderstanding) is crucial. Next is defensiveness: this occurs when one (or both) partner sees a response as being an attack, so they ricochet back with another; one may also tend to put the blame elsewhere – to avoid this, it is essential to be aware of one’s actions and be able to take accountability. Then there is contempt: this typically entails dismissive and sarcastic commentary and body language. Sometimes, it can stem from unaddressed negative feelings, fueling the fire. Utilizing emotional regulations, awareness of self and resolving minor conflicts before they erupt can effectively elude contempt. 

Lastly is stonewalling: a partner completely shuts off verbally or emotionally due to physiological flooding. At the same time, effective communication is unlikely in this state, so pumping the breaks and making a U-turn back to the conversation later is the best option.

The Takeaway:

Overall, Gottman’s Method aims to help couples see ‘eye to eye’ and become closer and more invested emotionally. This method also serves as something that can (and should) be practised both inside and outside the therapist’s office. While it can help with resolvable conflicts, it significantly helps perpetual conflicts; it can answer the question of ‘how do we handle this’ to eliminate or minimize the feeling of hopefully ‘can I do this?’. If you haven’t ‘got’ the Gottman method yet and would like to, it is doable with support, an open mind, and some practice!
 

How to disclose your mental health condition to a new partner

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One of the hardest things about starting a new relationship is deciding when – and how – to tell your mental health condition. Do you wait until after the first date? The third? Or do you blurt it out on the first date to get it over with quickly?

There is no easy answer, but there are some things to consider that may help you decide. Here are a few tips for disclosing your mental health condition to a new partner.

It’s not always easy to disclose your mental health condition to a new partner, but being honest about it from the start is essential.

It can be tempting to pretend that everything in your life is fine when you meet a new partner – after all, who wants to manage the stigma and misunderstanding that so often come with openly discussing mental health? However, staying true to yourself and being authentic is essential. Deviating from that could mean clear expectations need to be established, and relationship dynamics are based on incomplete information. Ultimately, despite any awkwardness or challenges, being forthright with your relevant mental health history can help build trust and create a stronger bond, setting the stage for a more honest and supportive partnership.

You can’t control how your partner will react, but you can control how you tell them and what information you share.

It’s easy to get caught up in our emotions when it comes to telling someone something we think might hurt them; however, if we take a step back and consider the most efficient way of getting our point across without damaging the relationship further, then it can go a long way. It’s important to remember that you have control over how you deliver your words. Include only the pertinent information and try your best to be honest but also find a way to approach an uncomfortable topic least harshly.

Be prepared for questions and be honest in your answers.

Trust is an essential part of any romantic relationship, and it starts with being honest and forthcoming with questions early on in the courtship. Whether you’ve been together a week or several months, be prepared to answer questions honestly when your partner asks. Don’t feel like all of your secrets must come spilling out at once; being honest doesn’t mean you need to rush into divulging every detail about yourself, nor should you overwhelm your partner with all your information upfront. Instead, be gentle, take your time and communicate when both of you are ready. That way, trust can grow naturally over time.

Remember that your mental health is just one part of who you are, and don’t let it define you or your relationship.

It’s important to remember that just because you experience a mental health condition doesn’t mean it has to control your life. Of course, it should be taken seriously and treated with care, but acknowledging its presence doesn’t have to take away your identity or make you any less the person you were before – and this especially applies to relationships. Don’t let your mental health condition be the only part of whom people see; let them meet the real you too. After all, mental health is just a part of our complex tapestry; there’s still plenty of room to bring forth who you are!

Coming out to your new partner about your mental health condition can be daunting. But it’s essential, to be honest, and remember that you control how much information you share and when. Be prepared for questions, but don’t feel like you have to give all the answers at once – take your time and do it when you both feel ready. And finally, don’t forget that your mental health condition is just one part of who you are; it doesn’t have to define you or your relationship.

 

The Benefits and Pitfalls of Online Dating

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This article was written through the lens of an anonymous client.

Dating – a fairly daunting task and concept. These days, society tends to pressure people into finding a partner, but it is a lot harder than it seems. There are so many factors: (mutual) attraction and interests, similar values and wants, overall compatibility and with online dating, the biggest of all, what each person is looking for. One of the biggest pitfalls of online dating, especially in this generation is it is seen and used more for hookups. If that is the route you choose to go on, great! There are plenty of options online whilst using safety precautions. My friends and I have dating apps including tinder and Hinge. While tinder is seen more as a ‘hookup’ app, it is still possible to find someone willing to go on a date. Even so, people on Hinge also ensue on the common theme of hookups only.  While these apps are proving difficult in finding a partner, there are upsides to online dating.

There is a very large pool of individuals to choose from. Dating apps have a distance setting preference in which you can choose the maximum distance a potential person can be from you. This allows for plenty of options of people not too far from you yet people you would not have met otherwise. It allows for a greater variety than everyday life may give. For example, an 18-year-old in high school may be interested in dating but suffer from a small population of individuals within their school, so they choose to go online. I myself am in university, and while there are plenty of people to meet, you can never be sure who is interested and available and plenty of people you would never have known existed can be found online. Bringing me to my next point, online dating makes it easier to show intentions.

Being on a dating app itself breaks the ice that you are looking for a romantic relationship in one way or another. In contrast, in person, sometimes intentions can get lost in translation, such as being unsure if someone is interested in a romantic relationship or sees you as a friend. You are there for that exact reason on a dating app – to date or become intimately involved with someone. Another upside to online dating is social anxiety. Seeing someone you are attracted to in person can be very nerve-wracking and challenging to approach if you should or should not talk to them (but if the timing is correct and you are comfortable, I would say introduce yourself! You never know unless you try). Again, with online dating, intentions are more transparent, so you know they are available and interested, and you can text or call before meeting in person. Circling back to the app used mainly for hookups, it can be challenging for people looking for short- or long-term relationships to find a partner.

For me personally, I am looking for someone to start a relationship with, but I find with many of the men I match and message with, they are only after hookups which can be discouraging. It can be disheartening when you get along with someone and have an attraction to them and you two are not on the same page. It is not uncommon for texting to become sexual and explicit very fast. On the other hand, my friends who have these apps mostly for hookups have found great success. They are mostly happy with their experiences and both parties equally understand what each other want and expect consensually.

Ghosting or being deleted/ignored can also happen. In my case, when the people I am talking to realize they will not get a hookup, they will unmatch with me or do so randomly. I then get left thinking why, which can be unpleasant. Others will never message back after a time or at all. Another pitfall to online dating is the risk of fake people and accounts. On some people’s accounts, they take pictures from google or even screenshots of influencers’ social media accounts and use those as their own. Some are obvious; some are not. For example, I was messaging someone, and when they added me on Snapchat, their name was completely different than the name they put on their account. The excuses he made for the reasons were not believable. When I looked closer at the pictures, I realized someone else’s name was on them – an apparent screenshot of someone’s account. For me, this is why I ask people for their Snapchat. This way, we can accurately see pictures of each other and hear each other since tinder pictures can be deceiving and typically are the best versions of oneself.

Although online dating allows you to input specific preferences such as age, gender, height, ethnicity and more to find the most compatible group of people, it can still feel limited sometimes. However, I have a particular type of individual in mind that can be hard to find, primarily online. Therefore, my options dwindle because of how specific my preferences are. This can also be discouraging for people looking for any relationship. I enjoy meeting people in person – getting a read of them and an impression of them is much easier. Although sometimes, online dating can quickly go wrong, I stay hopeful that my person remains out there, whether it is online or not. But I know I’m doing my best and putting myself out there; I put my best foot forward to meet new people who could be my person. I tell myself as long as I am being safe, there is no harm in going on a date; it is all about trial and error. The biggest thing with online dating is learning how to overcome the disappointment – whether it be someone ghosting, turning out to be someone they are not or a failed date, it takes a lot of resilience. The best way to think about it is that each failed attempt leads you closer to your person. And who knows, maybe it was the universe helping you dodge a bullet, no matter how disappointing it is in the moment. All you can do is keep trying.